there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love you. Go after that dick
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
