i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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