I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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