i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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