I saw his package. It spoke to me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
