I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
