So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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