2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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