So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
