Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
