i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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