He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
