I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
People in love make me want to vomit
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
