it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
