You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
