nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
