I think I won the penis lottery.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
