I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
