I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
