ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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