3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
