I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
