Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
