I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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