Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
