is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
