I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
