Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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