how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
