mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
