You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
