So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
