:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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