i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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