Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
