I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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