when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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