My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
