I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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