I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
