"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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