Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
