Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
