i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
