We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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