i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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