He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.