I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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