the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
