I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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