I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
