All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
