its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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