I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
