Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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