my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
