Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
