So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
